Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think I just sharted jello shots
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