Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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