She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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