I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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