I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
