My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
