Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
