I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
