yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
