You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
