we have pet lesbian snakes
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Someone came in the potted fern
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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