i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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