masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
