we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
oh god was she eating orange peels again
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
