I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
