Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
