the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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