how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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