I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
