I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
worst night to have a conscience
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
