sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
