I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
