just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
