i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
