We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize