Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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