The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
