it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this boner is exhausting
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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