6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
