my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
