checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
