She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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