My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
