wanna go halves on a baby?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
