I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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