It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize