who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
