I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
whose parrot is this?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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