the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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