Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
