oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
