On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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