why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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