he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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