He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
