How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
