I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
