His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
