If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
