Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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