he wants to bone in the snuggie
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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