What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
