I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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