I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have feelings that need drinking.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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