hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
