do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize