remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
