wanna go halves on a baby?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
