How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
