i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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