My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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