i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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