So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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