I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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