I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
