that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize